After Midnight...-Eric Clapton

I will admit that I am one of the freaky moms addicted to the "Twilight" series of books and movies, and more specifically, "Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson". Yeah, he could be my son. What's your point?

I blame Happy Hour Sue for this (among other things!), as she introduced me to the wonderful world of "RPattz". I am forever in your debt, Sue. If you, too, happen to be a fan of Twilight, check out her killer blog, InappropriateTwilightObsession.blogspot.com. You can owe me.

I have posters. I own a "Team Edward" t-shirt. I bought two copies of the Vanity Fair magazine with Robert Pattinson on the cover... just in case "something happens" to the first one ... the one I keep in my nightstand. He is the sometime wallpaper on my Iphone. I often will pause my DVD player on a specific image of aforementioned lead vampire heartthrob "Edward" for inspiration while I walk on my "dreadmill". I've been "bitten", big time.

For months, I have had in my posession, tickets to see the very first local midnight showing of Twilight: New Moon, the latest installment in the cinematic versions of the stories. Paranoia has crept in on many occasions wherein I thought I might have misplaced these treasured tickets, only to discover them in " an even better special place" in the oversized feed-bag I call my purse. Whew! Hopefully I burned a few calories while freaking out!

I persuaded my neighbor, Ronda, to let me take her thirteen-year old daughter with me to the midnight showing, so that I wouldn't look like a complete idiot sitting on line for hours in the cold all alone. Having permission to attend with me, her daughter promptly invited another thirteen year old friend. I am sure that this was to avoid looking like a complete idiot (the only cute thirteen year old girl with an "Edward crazed Twi-mom" in tow).

At around 8 P.M., we all bundled up since the weather was FREEZING. (The temperature had dropped below San Diego's normal 72 degrees). We packed magazines, food, I got my bucket of Starbucks, we had blankets, hats, coats (though I was loathe to cover my prized "Team Edward" shirt), more sweatshirts, Ipods with battery-powered speakers, and folding beach chairs. We were like "Twi-scouts". Thoroughly prepared! This was the night we had waited for!

Car packed, sitter prepped, we loaded into the car for our theatrical adventure. My 13 year-old friend said from the back seat, "I'm so excited, I'm shaking!" I told her I was so excited too, and proceeded to yell, "Let's go!" And I did! And then I backed out of my garage right into the sitter's BMW. CRAP!!!!!!!

"Team Edward" T-shirt: $30.

Tickets to premier showing of New Moon: $15.

Repairing the big ass dent in my Jag: $1500.

Sitting on a freezing concrete sidewalk for four hours with hundreds of mostly teenaged girls listening to Boom-Boom-Pow and texting everyone they know, followed by the showing of "New Moon": Priceless.

Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap)...-ACDC

I have spent the last several hours chasing dust bunnies with the vaccuum, cycling laundry through the almost dead washer and dryer, polishing the granite kitchen countertops, dusting the wooden furnishings, Windexing the mirrors and framed photographs, sorting through all sorts of school paperwork and crafts that have accumulated since the start of the school year, and organized four closets. Know why? Because my cleaning lady is coming tomorrow.

That's right. My husband, after my repeated statement that I am "losing it" with the house, and my volunteering responsibilities and all the holiday photography orders, said that I should get a cleaning lady. So I did just that. But then, I felt compelled to just "straighten up a little". I would just DIE if she thought we were pigs! Must make a good first impression! Did I remember to flip the mattresses?! Clean out the ice tray in the freezer?

Her name is Gregoria, and she is as lovely as her name implies. She is always smiling, and the source of my renewed interest in Spanish. That reminds me...I MUST look up the correct translation of "DO NOT PUT THIS WOOL ITEM IN THE DRYER!" My neighbor's housekeeper put all her kids' EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE wool Christmas garb imported from some exotic country like Argentina in the dryer. It now fits Barbies. Very teeny tiny Barbies. Thank the Lord we had already taken their holiday photos!

I must also learn how to say, "Do not spray PLEDGE on the Big Screen, or use Brillo pads on the stainless steel appliances, especially AGAINST the GRAIN!". These things have actually happened to my friends.

Anyway, the point is that now I am aching from all the work, my house looks really clean, and I will have to try to find things for Gregoria to do tomorrow. I wonder if she knows how to give a massage?!

You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)...-Dead or Alive

Ok, so after endless complaints from my three faithful readers, I am POSTING on my BLOG after more than a MONTH!!! I have, thankfully, been overwhelmingly busy with my photography, and with the Holiday orders coming in, a respite seems unlikely before 2010. I will try my best to post more often. I jot down ideas on my Iphone all the time, but just can't seem to get the time to sit and type them out. I hope I don't ever get in a car accident, and the cops find all my bizarre musings on my phone...my family would be mortified! At least it's all spelled properly.



So, in the interest of POSTING on my BLOG, I was sent this AMAZING clip by my hottie friend, Angela, and feel compelled to share it. As most of you, my three faithful readers, are aware, I have a "vertical exercise device" (commonly referred to as a "stripper pole") installed in my garage. Yes, the garage with the mirrored wall and disco ball. That one. The same garage where I park the Jag my hot hubby gave me for Valentine's Day (see former post), and where his precious Harley is parked mere inches away from the reach of my 6" black patent leather "CFM heels". If you don't know what those initials stand for, do NOT go ask your mamma! In fact, you probably shouldn't even be reading this post, nor possibly my entire blog. Go say 10 "Hail Mary's" right now!



Said pole can be put in a stagnant state, which I call "lock down", or the twist of a nut (pun intended), will enable it to rotate. I think having it in "rotational mode" is cheating. A REAL "dancer" should be able to "work it" in the stagnant position. After careful observation, I feel that the chicks in this video do, indeed, have their pole locked down.



They are amazing at what they do, and I am in awe of their physical abilities. Imagine holding your entire body weight off the floor with one hand! Now try to spin around and defy gravity and smile and flip upside-down! They deserve every $20.00 bill they get, in my book!





I am able to do just ONE of these amazing moves, and I am not going to tell you which one, but it's not that "human pretzel in a Cuisinart during a hurricane" move. In case you were wondering.



Now that I have POSTED on my BLOG, I think I will go for a spin!

Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me...-Elton John

I had a date the other night. With a genius hot guy named Tom. OK, so he happens to be my husband, but that is beside the point.


I am not sure if it's my workout regimen, or my current addiction to "all things TWILIGHT", but for some reason, my hormones are "partying like it's 1999". The other day I was actually walking on my treadmill, playing Kings of Leon's "Sex on Fire"on my I-pod, while watching a FROZEN FRAME of the "Twilight" vampire Edward Cullen on the DVD player. Pretty sure I need therapy.



I told Tom I am having "issues". I told him I am seriously considering printing up and wearing T-shirts with "I NEED ATTENTION" silk-screened across my chest. Wouldn't that go over well at the grocery store? I actually got excited the other day when the bag boy at Ralph's asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. All kinds of thoughts (most of them illegal in the 48 contiguous states) went through my mind. WTF is going on here?!!!

Maybe it's because I am reaching the age where my eggs are "old", and it's nature's last ditch effort to get me pregnant. SO not happenin', (unless it's Baby Jesus #2)! Maybe the dermotologist spiked my Botox! Yeah, that might be it!




Anyway, when my daughter's gymnastics class offered a "Parent's Night Out", where we could drop off our kids for 3 hours of pizza, games, crafts and tumbling, I cartwheeled at the chance! I told the girls to "beg Daddy" to let them go to the event, and they obediently (and convincingly!) did so.


Tom e-mailed me that day from work, asking if I wanted to see a movie, or go to dinner, or watch the sun set from the cliffs. (WHO is e-mailing me this, and what have you done with my husband?!!!) I was bouncing off the walls all day with excitement!

















I selected this great bistro overlooking the Pacific. We ate a very nice meal while watching the sun set. The three of us had a wonderful time...me, Tom, and his I-Phone. (his business dealings do not take breaks. E.V.E.R.!) Seriously, I had a great time, and the 2 vodka-cranberries didn't hurt, either!

After dinner, with the clock ticking, we drove home, pulled into the driveway, and then Tom asked me if he should pull the car into the garage (since we would have to go pick up the girls soon). I said, "not if you want a pole dance!" (Did I mention the pole in my garage?) Anyway, he immediately put the car in "park", and turned off the ignition. Game on!

I RAN into my closet, got on my hottest mini-skirt, fish-net over the knee socks, 6-inch patent leather heels, black satin "Please GOD, help me defy gravity" push-up bra, white button down shirt, black silk tie, black vest, and black fedora, and for a finishing touch, put my hair in ponytails. Never fails.


I tried desperately to remember the pole routine I had choreographed for him while taking "dance" classes 3 years ago. That's when the room started spinning. Oh, no, that's just me on the pole. Right. I ended up with rave reviews and some hot rewards. TMI, I know.



I have put the T-shirt project on hold for now, and when I went grocery shopping yesterday, just to be on the safe side, I did the "green" thing, and brought my own bags.

I Want A New Drug...-Huey Lewis and the News

OK, not really. I am taking so many pills right now, that another would send me over the edge. And by pills, I mean vitamins. They are, basically, my breakfast each morning.





Along with the Miralax-laced VitaminWater I use to help the horse-sized vitamins swim down my gullet, I am taking:

One Vitamin E for skin,

Two B-12's for energy,

One Vitamin C chewable tablet (why do I love the taste of these so much?!) I was told that your body can NOT store vitamin C, so you have to take it daily!

Three MSM-Condroitin tablets for joint health (these have REALLY affected me in a positive way!) 3000 mgs. a day, and I am no longer stiff in the morning. Can't say the same for my hottie hubby...Meowza!

One Multi-Vitamin for back-up in case the others don't work...

One Chromium Picolinate because I read in some magazine that it puts women in a better mood. I think that this, along with my steady work out regimen, seems to be working! I DO feel like I am happier lately...may have something to do with my new "Twilight" obsession, though...

Last night, the hubs and I worked out at the club for an hour lifting weights (SO cool!), and then I came home and got on the "dreadmill" for an hour. Time flew, as I watched "Twilight" (AGAIN!) on the little DVD player I have perched at eye level in front of the treadmill. Something about those vampires makes me want to run! Tom said I can get cable out there, too! I guess that means I will need a new flatscreen, too, right?! YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!

Anyway, I woke up a pound lighter, and am really psyched. I want to be in shape for my birthday in January...I want to have a disco-skating party! That's just the way I roll.

The Heat Is On...-Glenn Frye

OMG, get me the F**K out of Florida!!!

Technically, having landed in Florida, I am home. I was born in Miami, Florida. North Miami, to be exact. As soon as I was able, I high-tailed it to Southern California, away from the hot, humid, flying palmetto bug infested air that often caused me to wonder why I even BOTHERED to shower. It seemed so pointless. Unless things are "going my way", I DO NOT like to be hot or sticky! God forbid BOTH at the same time!

After agreeing that I do NOT want to be the Matron-of-honor and have to squeeze myself into a deep purple full length gown that I will most certainly NEVER wear again, I land in Orlando to attend/photograph the wedding of one of my lifelong best friends. I get off the plane, step one foot onto the JetBridge (who names those things?!) and am hit in the lungs by stifling, sticky, hot, wet air. I cannot breathe. At all. I immediately want to go back to my heavenly San Diego's balmy, year-round 73 degrees. Alas, I can not. I can't let my friend down on the happiest day of her life. (For the third time).

I have heard Florida referred to by some comedian as "The Penis of the United States". The way the atmosphere feels now, that penis belongs to some sweaty marathon runner wearing tiny, tight, Dolphin shorts. Remember those? Mine were blue satin with white piping. I was a pedophiles dream. I digress.

So I count the hours until my return flight, all the while keeping a cheery demeanor for the sake of the Bride-to-be. The next day is her wedding, after all, and the third time's a charm, right? So is her fiancee'. Handsome, super-sweet guy. Good for her! Hates having his picture taken. Bad for me.

The wedding day arrives, the morning sky is blue and clear, and we get all the portraiture done of the bride (GORGEOUS!) , her slave-of-honor (STUNNING), the groomsmen, and the groom. The ceremony begins, and suddenly, the sky turns black. And then the rain starts. Rain, actually, is a gross understatement. It was a monsoon. I kid you not. So much for the romantic photos I usually take after the ceremony...I am bummed.

The estate where they were married, the palatial home of the groom's sister, is an 11,000+ square foot house which sits on the same lake as Shaq and Tiger Woods' homes. His sister, turns out, is a total blast to be around, and will probably be a friend for life. But, that's another blog.

My point, and I do have one, is that if I thought that it was humid BEFORE the rain, it is now OFF THE CHARTS! The lawn is flooded, there is no way to even get to the boat house and dock without ruining the bride's gown. My heart sinks. I really had hoped to get some really killer shots for my friend, and perhaps my website-to-be, as well.

Later that night, sticking to my diet and carefully avoiding "Cracker Barrel", I quickly scroll through the images, and they are lovely. I will use the panoramic pictures I took early in the day as a backdrop, and place the closely cropped portraits on top. It will be a very nice album. Until the mildew gets it, that is...UGH!

Flying home to San Diego today, I couldn't wait to land! After I trotted through the airport to the valet, got into my husband's Porsche, put the top down, took the clip out of my hair, turned on the radio (Joan Jett was singing "Do you wanna touch...Yeah!, Do you wanna touch...Yeah!, Do you wanna touch me there...), I inhaled deeply the sweet, dry, 73 degree air, and drove off into the sunset. I am home.

Love Me Tomorrow...-Chicago

Where do I begin? May it NEVER end. The friends, the fun, the photos...here we go! Had to post the titles to songs I knew by "Chicago", and their meanings to me!


ALONG COMES A WOMAN: My friend Deb who turned me on to the blog Happy Meals and Happy Hour, and "Happy Hour Sue". My life has been forever changed!








YOU'RE THE INSPIRATION: Sue, you are, and always will be, my BLOGGER IDOL, and have inspired me to get my own personal trainer. I want to claim you as my BlogHer roomate for eternity. Say yes. I am not above blackmail. Tena, we can get always get a suite...think about it!





STAY THE NIGHT: What I planned to do at BlogHer...stayed 3! Stayed up nearly ALL night for one of them...see future posts!


BABY WHAT A BIG SURPRISE: You CAN lose weight by drinking non-stop for four days!


25 or 6 2 4: How many followers I have (ish) and how many I would like to have! PLEASE follow...it's good for my fragile ego!


FEELIN' STRONGER EVERY DAY: Could be the weight-lifting I'd been doing prior, or the recovery from the "special sweet tea" we drank daily at BlogHer! Manny, our waiter, was the BOMB! He was the one who told us to go to "Boystown", but that's another post!





DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?: Does anybody really care? We missed a few of the "break-out" sessions in the mornings...missed breakfast both days, but made up for it by drinking "special sweet tea" for lunch and dinner! How did we lose 4 lbs?! Heard of "Drunkorexia"? It exists. Google it.


LOOK AWAY: What I TRIED to do in "Boystown"...lots of things to watch. Like a bad accident. I just can't help myself. I am weak. And I like to watch. It's the photographer in me. Tena, you missed out, my friend!







HARD HABIT TO BREAK: There are a few. Blogging, getting swag from the convention (thanks to DOVE, I now have enough deodorant for a year, and Tena got 18 flash drives!), and going to see our waiter Manny at the restaurant for our "special tea".






IF SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL: = no good stories. We were very faithful to our diets!


WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE: Hell?! Joking. New York City, baby!!!


SATURDAY IN THE PARK: We weren't technically in a park, we were in Boystown, the gay part of Chicago. We figured we could go out and party in safety. What are they going to do? Our hair? OMG the stories! Again, check back for later posts!


WISHING YOU WERE HERE: For all my blogger mommy friends who weren't able to make it. Start planning for next year! Also, I imagine it is Chicago singing to me! Wish I was still there, even though I missed my hottie hubby and the girls! What a flippin' BLAST! Can't wait for BlogHer '10!





To coin a term, Sue and I are now having a "text"-ra-marital affair. Do not steal this term. It's mine. Mine, all mine, I say!!! Oh, pisser. I just googled, and some other genius already thought of it. Oh, well.

Check back soon!

The Final Countdown...-Europe

Does anyone know how to lose 30 lbs. in two days? Is it even possible to do so without cutting off limbs? "Blogging Helena". Yick. I ask, because in three days, I am off to the BlogHer convention in Chicago! I am so excited!

I had planned to drop the aforementioned weight in January or so, when I decided to attend the convention. As the TIME sped by, my car, by the Krispy Kreme shop, did not. I did the last-minute diet thing, where I have been working out two hours a day for the last two weeks, but have not made much progress. Now, I am out of TIME, and have resigned to just having a good TIME!

I have arranged all my mu-mu shirts in order of their camouflage abilities, and will pack the top 3 contenders. Add some spanx, dark pants, a padded push-up bra, make-up, and some Kahlua, and viola! Ten pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack, ready to PAR-TAY!

I was actually blogging this morning, sitting at my laptop in my self-tanning lotion covered birthday suit, thinking how absolutely smelly that stuff is! Can't they fix that?! Blech! (TMI, I know!)

It's too late to get Botox, since it takes 5 days to kick in, and it's possible to get bruised! Can't risk looking like Rhianna at BlogHer!

Then, I was told that "everyone" at BlogHer wears t-shirts with their blog logo on them! Had to get those made. I got three t-shirts in different styles.



I then went home and tried on the tank top, and CRACK! The heat-transfer on the fabric couldn't "cover the girls". May have to re-think the padded push-up bra...naaahhh...the only good part of carrying around this "fluff" is the chest action! Plus, my roommie and I may get into a "Boob-off" with Dooce! Preggers or not, she WILL NOT WIN!

AND, I was told, don't forget business cards to hand out! Hand out to whom? Not quite sure yet. I got 40 made, then my roomie told me to get A LOT more. Got another 200 just in case. Will keep you posted!


So, here's the final tally:

Plane fare to Chicago: $35.00 R/T (Thank you, Hottie Hubby for your FF miles!)
Hotel room: $199.00/night x 3
Botox: $375.OO (even though I didn't get it in time!)
Self-tanning creams: $15.00
Mani/Pedi: $35.00
L'oreal Hair Color: $10.00 (yes, I do my own roots!)
Custom T-shirts with my Blog logo on the front: $30
Business cards with Blog address and logo: $30

Rooming with "Happy Hour Sue": Priceless!

Check out her amazing blog at www.HappyMealsandHappyHour.blogspot.com You can owe me. She is that funny!

It's Been A While...-Staind

I know I haven't posted in nearly a month, and I REALLY want to thank the two readers who checked in today (only to find that I had not posted anything new). I really do appreciate your loyalty and time. (Sue, this ESPECIALLY means YOU!!!!)

Everyday, there seemed to be an excuse...

A) The end of the school year events and projects:

I, alone, did the entire first grade's state fair poster project in ONE DAY.
I put together the animated photo slideshow/videos for BOTH of my daughter's classes...this was a whole school year's worth of photos, plus, I volunteer several times weekly.

B) My photography:

Weddings to shoot, edit, get posted on-line, images to retouch, albums to order,
Pregnancy photos, parties to shoot, slideshows for the parties...family photos
I opened a "gallery" of sorts at my friend's store called "PLUME" in Rancho Santa Fe...
Bought a HUGE electronic frame which is STILL scrolling through the same 24 images it has for the past two weeks...have only hung 5 pictures in frames...pathetic.

C) The house:

Endless dusting, laundry, plant watering (the gardeners do not water the potted plants or weave the vines on the walls), attempting to cook dinner for the family on occasion, trying to do fun things with my girls...

D) It doesn't matter:

All of the above was really put into perspective yesterday morning, when I got news that a dear friend had passed away from cancer. If you scroll down on the right, you will see a little photo of THE FABULOUS GALA GIRLZ. Cindy, or "Cizzle", as she was nicknamed by the GG's, is the one in the white sweater. We knew it was coming, just didn't know when, and I certainly didn't know it would be this soon.

I know that Cindy would love to have the so-called "problems" we face daily...instead, she has to watch her 7 and 10 year-old daughters grow up from Heaven. So sad. She will be missed, and will always be loved.

I am going to try to post more often...and thanks for reading. Cindy is the beautiful woman on the left. Her twin Deb is the beauty on the right. I know tears can ruin a laptop, so that's all for now.

Somebody tell a joke.

Hollywood Swinging...-Kool and the Gang

I will be the first to admit, I get a little star-struck on occasion. Such an occasion arose the other day, when my "Hottie Hubby" asked me if I wanted to be the candid photographer for a charity event he was producing for one of his clients. Uh, yeah…like you had to ask? Get out of carpooling, laundry, and cooking dinner all in one day? I was “Happy Mommy!”

LOVE my fish-eye lens!

Turns out, the event was a top-tier golfer named Briny Baird (Brine-ee Bayrd) hitting some golf balls off the top of the skyscraping Omni Hotel in San Diego, trying to hit a giant vinyl target laid out on the field of Petco Park, some 268 yards away, and 340 feet below! OK, so his name is unusual, (kinda sounds like a cute fuzzy bear from a children's book, doesn't it?) but he is the NICEST GUY!

I got some really cool photos , too! I wanted to bring the vinyl target home afterward for a giant play-dough mat for the girls…but, no.

A wide-angle did the trick on this shot...

The whole event was sponsored by PFChang’s, one of my fave restaurants on earth! (Pei Wei, their equally tasty “China bistro” offspring, is a close second! ) Anyway, Briny, being the golfer extraordinaire that he is, easily got 8 of the 10 hits on target! PFChang’s then donated $25,000.00 to the Padres Foundation, which helps local military families in need! How cool is that? I was crying when they presented the giant check….shocker, I know. God Bless America, and God bless auto-focus.

Check out THIS action:

As they say on late night TV, BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

FREE LETTUCE WRAPS AT P.F.CHANG’S!

Anyone who goes to

www.PFChangs.com can click on the top right corner where it says “Chip-shot for Charity”, and download a coupon for a FREE, yes, FREE Lettuce wrap appetizer! They are comprised of perfectly seasoned chicken embraced by a cool, crisp leaf of iceberg lettuce...they are beyond scrumptious, and fairly nutritious! Did I mention that ANYONE can get this coupon?! For FREE??!! I am so excited!

And now I’m hungry.

The lead photographer hired for the event from Getty Images shot this KILLER photo! He got the shot by mounting his camera on this telescoping pole that towered above Briny. I am acrophobic (heights are not my friend!), so I am glad I got to shoot my photos of Briny from one of the skyboxes on the opposite side of the field. Plus, they had lots of Diet Coke! The stunt also won “shot of the week” on ESPN in a landslide vote.

Hint: Tom, my birthday is right around the corner…just 8 short months away….I need one of those telescoping camera poles!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

I got some good shots of Briny, and I got a shot of the PFChang’s super nice Big-Cheese, Rick Tasman, shaking Briny’s hand that is going to be on the front page of a newspaper in Arizona!

Note the PFChangs "Immunity Idol" (for you SURVIVOR fans!)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

"Hottie Hubby" told me that since I did a good job, he will fund the creation of a new wesite for my photography! I have now blogged about this, so you all are my witnesses!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

I got my coupon for FREE LETTUCE WRAPS! Go to www.PFChangs.com to get yours! "Happy Mommy"!

Yellow...-Coldplay

I PEED!

AND NOT BY ACCIDENT!!!

The surgery was a success! I am sore, a bit, like bad cramps, but the industrial strength Motrin is doing it's job! And,the Vicodin the doctor prescribed was ROCKIN' last night...I woke up in the EXACT SAME POSITION as when I fell asleep watching "THE COUGAR" on TiVo!

Everthing went pretty well...the surgeon said that they accidentally "compromised my bladder" a bit, which means they CUT ME IN THE WRONG PLACE, but that it would heal, and it seems like it has. He is an awesome doctor. Those knives are sharp!





I had to have a nasty catheter overnight...let me tell you, that taking it out BY MYSELF this morning was soooo not fun! But it's out, and now I wait to see if I can soon run, jump, lunge, bounce, laugh, sneeze and pole dance without leaking! This will not happen quickly, I know, as walking is a real labor today, but I am hopeful!




I guess I am on the road to recovery! Thanks for all your prayers!

Cuts Like A Knife...-Bryan Adams

I have heard "giving birth" compared to "pooping out a watermelon". Pretty.

If you have ever seen the size of my daughter's head, you would assume that some damage was done. Even after the doctor delivered her (the regular way), he took one look at her noggin and stated, "Oooh, that should have been a C-section!". Thanks.

Nineteen hours of hard labor, but no scars. I was happy. At the time. I did not want that now nearly invisible C-section scar that I incurred with the birth of my second daughter. What the h-e-double hockey sticks was I thinking?!

So, I am all proud of the fact that I had my first daughter "the regular way" (with an epidural, though...I am not THAT tough!) Then, I noticed the lack of bladder control while sneezing. "Do Kegels", said one friend. "It will come back, said another. Nothin' doin. It progressed to a level where most activities...laughing, coughing, running, lifting, jumping, dancing, walking up stairs, and being scared to death (by my nutty husband who thinks hiding in the pantry until I walk in and scream is hysterical)...led to a condition I like to refer to as "soggy bottom".

All that is about to change! I hope. I am "getting repaired" on Wednesday! I never considered the surgery in years prior, because I had heard that the procedure to fix this malady has you on your back for 6 to 8 weeks. I can't do that...I have BlogHer to attend at the end of July!!! I need time to get into shape!

I finally did a little research, and it turns out it is a 20 minute out-patient gig, with a few hours post-op recovery, a good night's rest with the help of a few Vicodin (YAHOO!!), and I can drive your kids to school the next day! WHAT? I have been wet (NOT in a GOOD WAY) for nearly 7 years for nothing???!!!

I am so excited, and I must admit, a little nervous. Oh, and did I mention I can't have any "action" for two months? Hottie hubby is out of luck.

But, think of all the things I will now be able to do! Run around playing with my girls at the park! Participate in "Parent's Day" at gymnastics!

But, there's the two-months of "nada nookie"...

I can teach them jazz and tap!

But there's no "gettin' busy" for 8 weeks!

I will be able to work out without stopping every 20 minutes to "freshen up"! I can crack up at "Cougar Den" skits on SNL and Happy Hour Sue's blog posts without leaking on the Persian rug! The possibilities seem endless!

But then, there's the two-month "dry spell" that looms ahead.

I can only hope this short "dry-spell" leads to one that lasts for years!

Wish me luck!

(Send batteries!)

Out Of The Closet...-Michael Jackson

About the title: One of MJ's lesser known tunes, I know, but "fitting" on so many levels!

I have had "Blogger's Block" for some time now. I decided to first check the pantry one last time to be SURE I was out of Kahlua, and if so, just give up trying to come up with a good blogging topic.

Today was Sunday, and I almost began to DREAD another week...because it was one more week that I didn't post SOMETHING. My hubby was giving me ideas (too controversial), my kids (too juvenile), and my friends (too sordid). So I decided to do something constructive with my time, and clean out my closet!

My good friend Melissa is going to have one of those parties soon where the guests all bring over their old clothes that are just too cute to donate, but they are either bored of, or in my case, will probably never fit into again. Everyone trades stuff with everyone else. Not sure exactly how it's going to work, but it's a great theme, and a good reason to go through all the crap in my closet.

Soon after going through some of the stuff, I started to bring some of them out to show my husband. He just started to cackle! I have had many of the garments since LONG before I met him, and some before I even graduated HIGH SCHOOL! I would never throw many things out in case I needed them for an audition or a Halloween costume!

This jacket by Tony Alamo cost over $500 in 1988. I will NEVER get rid of it, as it was a gift from one of my best friends, Danita.

I soon after dropped some coin on THIS Tony Alamo...I swear I was not on drugs. Man, if I could get all that money back! Oy Vey!

This lovely number was from my "Prince" phase. I saw him at an LA club, and actually asked him to dance. His smiling reply: "Maybe later". Denied. At least he was polite! I am still a HUGE fan! Got to take his photo when he performed at the Idol finale' a few years back. Amazing!

Keeping this one, too.

This was one of the dresses I wore to a "formal", with the "dyed-to-match" satin pumps and clutch purse, of course! I tried to convince Tom that this style of dress was very popular in the eighties, and he said, "Yeah, Nineteen Eighty Never!" Too funny. I bet Sarah Jessica Parker would LOVE this! Doesn't it look like something "Carrie" would wear on "Sex and the City"?! No? Oh. ok. whatever.

This is a Betsey Johnson...I even have a matching "scrunchie" (see the blue arrow). I am pretty sure even saying the WORD "Scrunchie" is illegal in seven states! God help me. I just can't get rid of this one, either!

This was a total waste...I must have been channeling Elvira at a rest home when I bought this beauty! Can you tell I wore a lot of black?

There are no words. My mom tried to donate this beauty years ago, and I actually took it OUT OF THE DONATION PILE! Silk was expensive back then! No excuses. Back into the donation pile it goes.

All told, I filled two INDUSTRIAL strength garbage bags with clothing to be donated to the fashion impaired or those skilled with a sewing machine, and I have a nice pile of cool stuff in size 4 for the party. Those skinny bitches can have it! I just found some Kahlua in the back corner of the pantry!

Forever In Blue Jeans...-Neil Diamond

I have been on the lookout for some new jeans. I fear that as I age, I will fall into the "mom jeans" trap!

Most of the jeans these days have these 2 or 3 inch zippers, and create the "muffin top" effect. No thank you!

I finally found some that were great fitting and really inexpensive at COSTCO!!!! My friend tells me I am not allowed to buy my clothes where I buy my food (Super Target and Wal-Mart), but they are Calvin Klein's, were under $25.oo, and they fit like they were made for me, so I bought 6. Wish that was the size, too, but no.

I suddenly remembered this really funny video from SNL, and found it for you all to see. Have a laugh, and if you have some "mom jeans", ' fess up!

Dance, Dance...-Fallout Boy

I love to dance. I always held a secret hope as a young girl of becoming a professional. The other night, I was dancing around the kitchen with my husband while the girls were finishing up their dinner. My daughter said, "Mommy, you should go on Dancing With The Stars". "I can't", I replied, "I'm not famous". My daughter said, "Oh, yes you are...you're on 'Google'!" After a good laugh, my husband also added that I would not be a good candidate, since I am not a former convict. More laughter. Then I started thinking...

ABC should change the name of the show to "Dancing Behind Bars". Or "Dancing With the Convicts". This season, DWTS is featuring two former inmates in their "celebrity" line-up. Have you noticed?

First we have Lil' Kim. Calls herself a "Black Barbie". Well, both are plastic, so I'll give her that. She obviously shares Janet and Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. And, what's with the spooky contact lenses? She was convicted of three counts of perjury and one count of conspiracy. If she doesn't win DWTS, she should run for office. Perhaps there's a cabinet post open in Washington..."Secretary of Salsa". She dedicated one of her first dances to all her "friends" back at the women's prison. Elegant.

Then you have Lawrence Taylor, arrested for crack cocaine posession and income tax evasion. Hmmm...cabinet post for you, too! His eyes look like he was smoking a doob right before the performance!

Hey, I know...how about Shawn Johnson's stalker?! He might be a good candidate!

Seriously, is ABC that desperate for celebrity dancers? They must have some sort of pre-ordained "slots" to cast. I can hear the programming execs now..."Let's see...we need a former olympian, a teen, some sort of soft core porn person, a sports figure, a couple of bad actors/actresses, a singer or two, an octogenarian, a chippendale type guy,...oh, and throw in a couple of convicts. If they fit into any of the prior categories, even better! Now that's good TV!"


Maybe it was part of their parole negotiations that they go on the show. This is supposed to be a "family show"?!. ABC must be joking! My daughters are supposed to admire these bedazzled jailbirds? My husband thinks the biggest criminal on the show is the hairdresser.

Just heard on the news that Alex De Silva, a choreographer from "So You Think You Can Dance" is in jail, too, for being a serial rapist. Lovely.

Click. That was my TV being turned off. I am just going to go back to "Dancing In My Kitchen".

"Out of the Frying Pan (and Into the Fire)"...-Meatloaf

I think I am going to faint. My husband actually complimented me on the meatloaf I cooked for dinner.

WHAAATTT??!!

That beautiful image above? Sooooooo not it.

I warned him when we met that I DO NOT COOK! (Not in the KITCHEN, anyway...he, he, he)

Granted, when the "cooking compliment" occurred, I was rubbing his feet (it's the least I can do...he works so hard to give us a nice life) and he was most likely high on "Nyquil" (he does not drink alcoholic beverages, and it's the only way he can get some sleep with the wicked cold he has had for the past five days).

Here's a rundown...

First, he said: "Real nice 'lunch', Poofie".

OK, he calls all meals "lunch" as a joke (even if it's dinner, as was the case here), and the "Poofie" part, well, let's just let that go for now...that's it's own post, trust me!

Second thing out of his mouth: "Did YOU make the meatloaf"?

Of course, I did not get mad at this comment, since most of the meals I have prepared (heated up) in the past, were from the local grocery store's hot deli section, and were transferred into our own Corell cookware at the last minute so as not to arouse suspicion. Never worked. He always saw the aluminum containers in the garbage can.

Note to self: In future, take aluminum containers out to BIG garbage cans and bury deeply!

I told him that I did, indeed, make the meatloaf (it is my mother's recipe-- two pounds of ground beef, two slices of Wonder Bread all crumbled up (easier if you freeze the bread first!), a packet of onion soup mix, three to five tablespoons of ketchup or catsup (however you wish to spell it), and five "shakes" of Worcestershire sauce (however you wish to say it!) 350 degrees for an hour or so...top with more ketchup/catsup half way through cooking... It's yumska!

Coupled with a box of those killer Betty Crocker Au Gratin potatoes, some frozen peas, and...

I am ready for Top Chef!

Not.

"C" Is For Cookie...-The Cookie Monster

It is here. At long last. "It" is Girl Scout Cookie Season! I have waited an entire year. OK, maybe not an entire year... last year as the season neared closing, I stashed some of them in the freezer.

I used to be a Girl Scout, so I sort of feel compelled to support the cause. Also, many of my mommy friends' daughters are Girl Scouts, and when I see them as I exit the local Ralph's grocery store, I simply HAVE to buy a few (8) boxes, right? THEN, this year, they have started "Thin Mints for the Troops", where you can actually pay for the cookies, and the Girl Scouts will ship them to our deserving defenders of our freedom! I am not surprised that they are sending the very best flavor to our soldiers. Great idea, Girl Scouts of America!

So far, this year, I have only eaten them for dinner twice. Just one box (per meal), so not TOO bad. Alas, the season has just begun.

Question: Why do they call them "Thin Mints", when all they do is make me FAT??!!

The Thin Mint Diet: 1 row = a snack, 2 rows = a meal. However, I have to brush my teeth right after indulging so my husband won't see the black crumbs in my molars. They are a dead giveaway. So much for my BlogHer diet. Rats.


In case you were wondering, as I was, the VICIOUS rumors about the boxes being smaller are true. I googled.


My husband digs the Samoas. Those are the coconut-ish cookies striped with chocolate. I know that if he has had a bad day at work, and I have forgotten to stock the freezer with a quart of Chocolate Haagen-Dasz, that the Samoas will fill in nicely. Turns out, word got out in his office that they are his favorite, and he got FOUR BOXES! Probably from the skinny hot chicks in his office. Piss me right off. I think I will go eat another box.


What's your favorite?

Let Your Love Flow...-Bellamy Brothers

Love, not, uh, "pee pee". I couldn't find a good song title for this post...if you have a better suggestion, send it in, and I will change it.

Last night, as I undressed to get into the shower, my youngest daughter asked me if all mommies wear the same underwear. "What are you talking about?", I asked.

She then asked, "Do all mommies wear the skinny diapers?" She refers to the lovely pads I must wear daily in order to avoid "embarassing accidents". She asked what they are called, and I told her, "G-strings. (Pre-schoolers talk!!)

Don't get me wrong, as the label states, the pads are really thin. Like a baby crib mattress. Barely noticeable, though you might think I used to be someone named "Bruce" if you really took a hard look.

Because of this condition, I can't sneeze, or dance wildly, or laugh hard, or pick up heavy objects, or run, or climb stairs rapidly without "wetting" myself. Trampolines are just out of the question. That part really bites. I used to love bouncing on those things...and not just because of the name.

I blame my first daughter's big head and natural childbirth. After 19 hours of hard labor and then delivery, I remember my OB/GYN looking at the circumference of my daughter's head and saying, "You should have had a c-section." Ya think?!

Thank you GOD that big noggin of hers is all brain! Smart as a whip, that kid. Both of my girls, actually.

My friend with the same problem had some sort of operation, but it didn't work. Apparently, you have to "get lucky" and get the "right type of operation" for your specific malady.

One doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises...didn't really help. I tried doing them in the car at stoplights as she suggested, but got some strange looks from other drivers. Apparently, you CAN see people who are flexing their inner muscles. Or, I am just doing them wrong.

I wonder if people know what is going on when I am pushing the cart down the aisle at Home Depot, or wherever, and I freeze, cross my legs at the knees, and sneeze. I usually sneeze twice in a row, so it's kind of like a little dance. Freeze, cross knees, sneeze. Take a few steps. Repeat. I have received some "knowing" looks from more than a few moms.

Rosanne Barr once said she knows she is old, because she is dry in places she used to be wet, and wet in places she used to be dry.

Will this ever end?

Depends...

I'm A Barbie Girl...-Aqua

I used to be a "Barbie" for Mattel.

Back in the day, they sent me all over Florida as "French Barbie"...part of their (at the time) new, international collection.

I remember my dialog... "Bonjour, I am Mademoiselle Barbie. I am from Paris, the capitol of France". That was it. Tough lines, I know.

I tried, without much success, to deliver the lines with a french accent. Growing up in South Florida, it probably sounded more "Cuban" than anything else.

It was a fun gig. They custom made me a pink can-can dancer's dress, just like the doll. This may explain my penchant for fishnet stockings!

I got to sign autographs for all the little girls, who would stare up at me in suspended disbelief.

Now, Barbie is turning 50. Sh*t happens, right? Anyway, check out this hysterical video...it pretty much covers it. Stripper pole, leopard prints, Botox, and of course, gravity.

What's New, Pussycat?...-Tom Jones

Allow me to set the scene. It's Valentine's Day...a holiday I am pretty sure was INVENTED by Hallmark.

But, GOD FORBID, that I don't get:

A) some sort of chocolate (preferably in a heart shaped box)

B) overpriced roses that will surely die in 3 days, or

C) some inane greeting card selected by my daughters because there is a puppy on the front

I round the corner in anticipation...

And there it was. OK, "Hot Hubby Tom" is off the hook. I see the heart shaped box presented on the kitchen counter, awaiting my bleary-eyed self to open it and devour all the delectable sweets it contains. That should take a total of 5 minutes. Four hours on the treadmill springs to mind.

Screw it. I am eating them all. Now.

Gotta find the caramels first. Good thing my thumbnail is on the "long" side...

But, what's this? This piece looks different. Is this Whitman's Sampler defective? Was Russell Stover drinking when my heart shaped box was assembled? Do I need to sue See's Candy Company for including some choking hazard in my collection of chocolate delights?

I flip this odd piece over, and upon further investigation, realize that it is a key.

To this.

This takes "off the hook" to a whole new level.

How I scored this...or my amazing husband, for that matter, is far beyond my comprehension. I sure his mother concurs.

Note to Tom: Thank you, my angel, for making all my dreams come true every day of my life. You are more wonderful than words, and I will never deserve you, but I will try.

Happy Valentine's Day!

BTW, I would have put myself in the photo, but I am not looking my best with my chapped lips.

I know that you know what I mean.

Can't Touch This...-M.C.Hammer

I know that I am being trivial and "A-R", but what the H-E-double hockey sticks is the deal with males and "decorative toweling"? Do they not "get it" that you DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES actually USE the fancy towels???!!!!

They have been carefully layered with contrasting colors...the hand towel over the bath towel, and adorned with the ornamental tassel...they sometimes feature co-ordinating fabric pleating and piping.

They are too fancy to mess up! WHAT DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND????!

There are alternatives!!! I have placed color-coordinated little paper napkin type towels RIGHT NEXT TO THE SINK for them to dry their hands with after washing.

Or, if they are really sneaky, they can do what I somtimes do, and reach their damp hands up inside the folds and wipe them on the inside of the hanging towel. No VISIBLE damage done!

Seriously, my six and four-year olds know better...but, they are girls.

My father-in-law (whom I love dearly) does this every time he visits. I have started to actually HIDE said items when he is en route. I put all the nice stuff in the cabinets, and though it makes me "tick", put out all the soon-to-be car wash towels for him to use. This almost works.

Which leads me to my next rant: DO NOT UNWRAP THE FANCY SOAPS, EITHER!!! This is a favorite pastime of my FIL. The soap pump I bought for him is invisible, apparently.

Now, my cousin and his 19 year-old son are coming to spend the night. I am scared. Is it rude to leave a note? I know, I will just flat out ask him not to use them. He is "Metro"...he will get it.

The Sweetest Thing...-U2

I volunteered to make 60 cupcakes and a mini-cake for my good friend's 2-year-old daughter's birthday. And I wasn't even drunk when I did it. I thought that they could be my "present" for her.

Don't get me wrong, I love to decorate cakes and such. It's kind of like swimming, scrapbooking, and sex. It's kind of tedious to "get started", but once you are "into it", it's really fun and you are glad you did it. (I thank my friend Erika for this great analogy).

I have taken all the Wilton cake decorating classes at Michael's (an arts and crafts store). They even wanted me to consider teaching at the end of all my classes, so I guess I was fairly proficient. I bought all the accessories (just like my scrapbooking and "dancing" classes!), all the little decorating "nozzles" so that I could squish icing out into various wormlike shapes.

Did you know that if you wiggle the nozzles while squishing the icing bag just so, the little wormies can be made into flowers, leaves, borders, etc.? It's amazing. Plus, you get to eat all your mistakes!

I made my first cake for my daughter Molly. It's really crooked, but those clowns were tasty! (Now, there's a quote for ya!) I really am digging on that tin-foil base, aren't you?! UGH!

I really learned a lot in those classes. I learned that it is easier to frost a cake when it's frozen, how to make "royal icing"...the kind that hardens after a few minutes (no jokes here, people), how to work with fondant (what the "BABY" cake and babies are made out of), how to make all kinds of flowers and stuff out of icing, and how to gain 30 pounds in 8 short weeks.

Not really.

OK, really.

<<< Cute little tiny hiney, no?!

So, I decorate the cupcakes with edible spray paint in "pink and purple" princess colors, sprinkle them with "magic" matching sugar crystals, and top them with a little paper tiara, which the birthday girl promptly ate. Oh, well, I guess it's "fiber". She had little interest in the mini-cake that I made her. The bouncy-house wins every time.

The guests raved. My friend was so happy and said she couldn't have bought any that would have compared. I was so happy that my friend was happy, and on a sugar-high from hell. My good friends "Bartles and James" took care of that little issue, though.

Next party gift for one of my friend's kids=Toys R Us. Just kidding. Ish.

The First Cut Is The Deepest...-Sheryl Crow

Yesterday, I spent 12 hours scrapbooking. In a row. I know.

I feel it coming...I feel like I am just that much closer to becoming one of "those people" who hang out their decorative flags for every flickin' holiday. (Did you know there is an "Arbor Day" decorative flag?! Whooda thunk?!)

There is a new scrapbooking store in San Diego (Scrapbook Your Life) that has these marathon scrapbooking sessions. It only costs $10, so I met up with a few of the other Gala Girlz (the fund-raising moms from my daughters' previous school) to slice, dice, lick and stick our pics into overpriced, overdecorated albums.

Supposedly, these albums are expandable, which they need to be, since chronicalling your children's lives "from womb to 6 in two inches" just isn't going to happen. What they don't tell you, is that you will need an engineering degree to figure out the process. Granted, I am new-ish to this, and all the veteran scrappers out there are probably laughing their "fiskars" off, (they get it, trust me!), but getting the additional page-protectors into the album is daunting for me.

So, I have my two albums all set...one for each of my adorable daughters. I plan to give them their albums for a high-school graduation present. What better way to show my love for them, than to give them something that took so much time and planning?
Their dad will get them a new car, and the scrapbook will be stolen from the unlocked trunk. I can see it all now.

Next, I got all the photos I wanted to include in order. Sort of. I actually just grabbed two of the twelve shoeboxes full of 4x6's (I am a photographer, after all) and carted them off to the scrapbooking place. Turns out I brought 1.9 boxes too many.

Upon entering the 5000 square foot store, Starbucks (round 1) in hand, an overwhelming feeling of futility engulfed me. The possibilities are truly endless. Aisles of scrapbooking paper in every solid color, print, and theme (almost...no "pole dancing" paper...I checked!) you can imagine. I picked out four 12x12 pieces of acid and or lignen (what is that?) free paper, and THOUGHT I was ready to go. Uh-uh. Nooooooohoho.

I needed "embellishments". Lots of them. More than that. Even more. Along with your imagination, you will need die-cuts (little pieces of paper cut into cute little shapes), cute ribbon, 3-D dots (you can layer your photos to give them depth!), glitter glue, glue pens (a must-have for the tiny die-cuts), and glitter pens. I was completely impressed/depressed.

The "Girlz" filter in...Cizzle kindly brought us Starbucks (round 2), and we snip, giggle, stick, chat, splice, and have just the greatest time. Such wonderful friends I have.

Next thing I know, five hours have passed!! I have created a few cool pages, and I am not even wanting to leave to get dinner! Whoa! I may have invented a new diet! "Cut your carbs while you cut your photos!" Catchy, huh?! We plan on Olive Garden (gotta love those breadsticks) but eventually opt for the MUCH faster and equally delish Chic-Fil-A. After dinner, Starbucks (round 3!) in hand, we all scurry back to our cut-outs, eager to continue our projects.

It is now 11 P.M.. "Last call" at a scrapbooking store = the sound of the vaccuum. It actually caused me anxiety to hear it! Felt just like home!

With a real honest-to-goodness sense of accomplishment, a ruined manicure, and more than a couple of paper-cuts, I loaded up all my scrapbooking accessories and headed home.

It was a great day. I discovered that yes, I can "cut it!"

tBTW, the next time I do this, I am bringing my good friend Kahlua with me! They allow "beverages" as long as they're in a closed container. God Bless America!

Gimme Gimme...-Britney Spears

Me: Hi, I'm Lisa, and I am a carboholic.

You: Hi, Lisa.

I am a lover of all things starchy. Bread, potatoes, bread made from potatoes, and of course Vodka (which can be made from potatoes, and as such, I often consider it a "vegetable" when consumed at dinnertime).

I crave carbs so much. I think the lack of them in my diet is causing a sort of dementia. I have actually been thinking about WORDS with carbs... like "Carburator". Can I eat one of those? How many points is it on Weight Watchers?

I try to eat fewer carbs. I really do. This morning, I finally decided I needed some, and ate one of those Vanilla Special K breakfast bars. These Barbie-sized bars are drizzled with icing, so you sort of feel like you are getting a treat, but they are REALLY small.

So I ate two.

Boxes.

ARGH!!!!

Don't You Forget About Me...-Simple Minds

Today's date is January 4th, 2009... three days after New Year's Day, twenty one days until my birthday, and a full 10 days since Santa dropped off what seems like every item in the Toys-R-Us catalog. On the morning of January 2nd, I diligently jumped off our "marshmallow couch" where I had fallen asleep to some late-night medical mystery show on TLC, and began to pack up the extensive holiday decor.

This year will be different, I told myself. I got out the box of Ziplocs, and proceeded to take down and sort into the bags the ornaments on the tree. Star-like ornaments in one bag, angels in another, snowflake types in yet another...you get the idea. I pulled out the giant plastic Rubbermaid bins from the garage which I had labeled in a prior year of ambition, and continued to un-twist-tie (?) the garland from the bannisters, fireplace mantels, and smoosh them in with the assorted pinecone sprigs from around our home.

I knew the exterior lights would be taken down soon by the same guys who put them up for a small fortune...cheaper than back surgery, I told my hubby. I moved on.

I bagged all the holiday cards...don't ask me why, but I have every holiday card I have ever received. Birthday cards, too. I love to look back at the cards from years past (mostly the ones with the photos) and see how we all used to look.

I dragged out the vaccuum to clean up all the fake little green "needles" that fell off our fake trees...yes, we have two. One is for me so I can make it look like it belongs in a hotel...everything matching our current home furnishings. This year it was "spa blue and chocolate". Sounds bad for a Christmas tree, but was really nice, I think. Made me hungry and in need of a massage all at the same time. I make all the French ribbon bows, and wrap the gifts to match. I know, I need a therapist.

Anyway, the upstairs "kids' tree" is, of course, multi-colored, and decorated with tiny stuffed animals, the "ornaments" (I use this term VERY loosely) they have made over the years, and high atop with outstretched plastic arms is the "angel Barbie"...poor thing has had a branch stuffed up her hoo-ha since the day after Thanksgiving. Ouch.

The furniture has been Pledged and Windexed, the pillows fluffed, dropping from all the assorted baked goods have been extricated from the ovens and the cracks between the stove and countertops, and I am exhausted.

My husband, fresh from "Clickerville" (the land of couch and TV remote control where I am sure many husbands like to visit), glances around and says, "Wow, that got put away fast!" Right. (In his defense, I actually requested that he just "stay out of my way").

A few days pass, and I see that our wooden carved reindeer has escaped my pursuit. I grab him, haul him down to the garage, and stuff him in with the garland.

Next day, I see an errant ornament that has rolled under the ottoman. I decide that it is not worth it to access the now re-boxed ornaments...do I recycle it? CAN it be recycled? I shove it in the bin with Prancer and the garland.

Next year, I should pack up everything in their boxes, but leave out one extra empty box for all the Christmas stuff I FORGET to pack up initially. That's a good idea.

Two more days go by, New Years Day has passed, and I notice I have yet to remove the "pygmy wreath" I twist-tied onto the front of my SUV. "Why do I decorate my car for Christmas?", I often ask myself. I am just a sheep. It is one of those things people in my 'hood do, and I feel "left out" if I don't do it, too. I have not yet brought myself to hang theme flags from my home for each holiday yet...my sister in Atlanta recently caved. It's only a matter of time for me, I suppose."

No more room in the garland box with Prancer and the random ornament, so I shove the mini-wreath into a bin labeled "patio furniture covers". Well, at least they're all "green".

So here we are, January 4th, 2009, and I have promised my offspring Princesses a fun day, since school starts up again tomorrow. I ask their princess friends over for a "Princess Tea", replete with sandwiches cut into heart shapes, tiaras, wands, cookies to decorate, princess music to dance to, jewelry making, and all sorts of princess fun. As one of the mommies comes over to drop off her little royal, I open the front door only to be poked in the eye by our oversized Christmas wreath.

I give up.

Why Can't Wii (We) Be Friends?...-War

Santa brought me a Wii for Christmas.

OK, what really happened is that I went to Target one day after Thanksgiving, and two other moms were buying them, and I saw that the " Target Dawgs" were hiding them behind the counter. I got nervous that they would all be sold out by Christmas, so I bought myself one.

Then, I HAD to get the Wii FIT, the additional remote, the charger, Wii Cheer (after all, I was a Miami Dolphin's Cheerleader back in the day), Wii Dance Dance Revolution 2, and some other random accessories the "Target Dawg" insisted that I needed in order to fully appreciate my new toy.

Six hundred and four dollars (WHAT?!) later, I called my hot hubby to thank him for the Christmas gift that he just bought me.

Me: "Hi, angel...I'm just calling to thank you for my Christmas present! I love it!"

Him: "You're welcome. What did I get you?"

Me: "Wii"

Him: "OK, what did WE get you?"

Me: "No, a Wii! The computer game thingy where I can lose weight! (losing weight is always a good thing to mention when I really want something...like the "dancer's pole" and mirrored wall in my garage).

Him: "OK. I gotta get back to work".

So, I diligently wrap the items with lovely paper and bows, and place them under the tree. I tell my girls that they are "decorative" boxes, and not really gifts, so that they won't try to open them early.

Christmas comes, the hubby kindly agrees to set it all up for me, and YAHOO!!! I am cheering along with the little hottie avatars to some kick-butt choreography! A few hours later, I am so excited about this new game...convinced that this is the way the pounds will fall away in 2009.

Then, the next day, my best friend comes for a visit, and we cheer, bowl, play tennis, baseball...etc.

The NEXT day, I can't move my neck. ARGH!!!

I am slathered with "Icy-Hot" balm, hoping that I can feel better soon and start cheering again!

Thanks, Santa!

Holiday...-Madonna

Like Kwanzaa, invented in 1966, I am inventing a holiday in 2008 JUST FOR MOMS!

I'm calling it MOMZA!!! (I am seriously going to copyright this).

MOMZA is to take place annually, just after the holidays, on January ____.
(fill in the date your kids go back to school).

MOMZA is a holiday filled with all things feminine, but just for moms (and their girlfriends willing to participate!)

Celebrations MUST include the following:

Spas (massages, manicures, etc.)

Chardonnay (or, in my case, Kahlua...feel free to substitute your beverage of choice!)

Shoe shopping

Sitters (no kids allowed!)

Devout followers are allowed to partake in "cougaring" (but only for one hour).

So, MOMZA. What do you think?!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas...-Bing Crosby (and others)

OMG, has it really been nearly two months since I blogged???!!! YIKES!!!!

As for the song in the title, I HAD to pick Bing Crosby, since we live in a neighborhood named after him!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, and...well, all the stuff in the card above!

Please come back to visit this blog after the New Year...I will be back to normal after all the holiday photo orders have been completed! Well, "normal" for me, that is! Miss you all!

Enough is Enough...-Donna Summer

OK, enough is enough!

When my kids were born, either having ESP or the foresight to know this would happen, I kindly requested that well-wishers NOT give me (or my offspring, rather) stuffed animals. My allergic reactions to dust mites and primary colors notwithstanding, I knew that these critters would invade my home and take up all available space in the toy box. No one listened. To date, we have well over 100 stuffed animals, including...get this...stuffed versions of the Foster Farms chickens. (You know, the ones on the TV commercials who claim they are fresh chickens as they drive around in their beat up chevy?! )

All of the Winnie the Pooh characters are represented, as well as every Disney creature ever conceived! Apparently, creating Disney princess dolls in the likeness of Barbie is not enough...oh, no, they must also be made into STUFFED princesses, and then, be sold in MULTIPLE SIZES! ARGH!!!! It's true! We have small, medium, and large stuffed "Ariel" mermaid dolls swimming around the house at all times.

As for the photo, my hot hubby, also known as "King Daddy Fun Guy" (sounds like a strange strain of mushroom if you say it quickly) thinks that placing some (really, this isn't the half of them!) of the stuffed menagerie all down the staircase is fun! Whoopee! I guess I can work off a pound schlepping them all back up to the girls' room...but I would almost rather get on the "dreadmill" than do that.

I really need to go through and filter them out...give some away. But, how can I give away "freaky hair" doll? I used her as my "focal point" while giving birth to my first daughter. Not that it helped in any way...
Certainly, two of the three stuffed Ariel dolls could get donated...but then there goes the "grandma, mommy, and baby Ariel" dynamic I hear about so often...

Maybe the scary chimp my mother gave them that she got from some medical conference...that is strange beyond words. What medical company hands out stuffed chimps? I think he used to be wearing scrubs, too! YIKES!

Oh, well..."King Daddy Fun Guy" figured out a way to get the girls to stuff all the animals in pillowcases (which I later had to empty out and put back on the pillows), but at least I didn't have to corrall them all...

And, as you can sort of see in the photo my hubby took with his I-phone, the girls loved every minute of it. King Daddy Fun Guy strikes again!

Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, FREEDOM...-George Michael

Yeah, it's about time I used one of George Michael's songs as a title to a post...I was, after all, the girl he KISSED in the music video "Careless Whisper"...There was no "gay" going on that day...no, sir! I was the "good girl" as Happy Hour Sue has dubbed me. It was a funny thing...we did the kissing scene, and then they LOST THE FOOTAGE! We had to do the scene all over again!

I remember they flew his sister over from England so she could cut his hair during the shoot, too. I thought it looked fine...I saved a little bit of it, too, in case I want to clone him down the road, or sell it on E-bay to someone freakier than I am. Where is that little plastic bag of clippings? Hmmm...


Anyway, back to the title.


Today, I got to stay home ALL ALONE while my hot hubby and his parents took my girls and their little cousin to Legoland. Those of you who actually READ my posts, and not just look at the photos posted when I lose a pound, will recall that I have been to this theme park more times than I can count. It makes me nuts to go there, so I was able to send them on their merry way, and have some ALONE TIME!


What to do, what to do?! Well, I took "step and sculpt" class yesterday at the club, and let me tell you, the 53-year old who teaches the class could give any starlet a run for her money. Chickie is sportin' some rock-hard muscles, and at about 5'5", must weigh about 100 and change. Amazing. She kicked my butt! I woke up this morning unable to move my neck properly, but that's OK, because I LOST ANOTHER POUND! I guess I really don't have to move my neck that much when working on my blog, anyway, right?!


Inspired, I climbed up on the treadmill and walked my imaginary "bridge to nowhere" for an hour. I watched "Hotel Rwanda" while treading, starring actor Don Cheadle. Fabulous acting...not good to watch if you have PMS, as it is a true heart-breaking story. I highly recommend it, though...


I vaccuumed the house, wrapped the gifts for the THREE kids parties we have scheduled for tomorrow, emptied the dishwasher, watered the plants, edited a wedding's worth of photos, and have been reborn! With my little chores done, I sat down and took a breath. What a great sound it was that filled the house...the sound of SILENCE!! All I could hear was the whisper of the breeze in the palms, and the birds chirping...it was truly a spectacular day. The weather was 69 degrees, and sunny. It was just a perfect day. Thought I would share that with you...will post a weight-loss photo soon...have to find the box of pictures of me from "back in the day". I think it's right by that Ziploc bag of curly brown hair...